A Farmer, carrying a sheep under one arm, storms into his bedroom where his wife is in bed, quietly reading.
The farmer stares his wife directly in the eyes and yells "THIS IS THE PIG I HAVE SEX WITH WHEN YOU HAVE A HEADACHE!!"
The farmers wife looks him up and down and states " Thats a sheep, not a pig"
The farmer replies "I WASNT TALKING TO YOU!!"
Did you hear about the new farmers dating site?
It's full of hoes.
The homeless man and the farmer
A homeless man comes up to a farmers house and knocks on the door, when the farmer answers, the homeless man asks "May i spend the night?" to which the farmer replies, "Sure, but you're going to have to sleep in the stable." So the homeless man agrees and sleeps in the stable with all the animals.
In the morning the farmer comes in and asks "How did you sleep?" and the homeless man says "I slept good. And I talked to your animals too." the farmer says, "Really?"
"Yes, I talked to the chickens," he responded, "and they said that you come in every morning at 4am to collect the eggs."
"Wow," the farmer says, "That's right!"
"I also talked to the cows," the homeless man continued, "And they told me every morning at 5am, you milk them"
"That's amazing!" the farmer responds.
"I also talked to the sheep, and they said-"
"THOSE SHEEP ARE LIARS!!!!"
How do farmers find their sheep in tall grass?
A priest and a farmer are playing a round of golf.
On the first hole, the priest clasps his hands, says a prayer and shoots a hole-in-one.
When it's the farmers turn, he shoots and the ball ends up in the woods.
The farmer is furious and screams: "Goddammit I missed".
The priest tells him "If you curse one more time, god will punish you".
On the second hole, the priest clasps his hands, says a prayer and shoots another hole-in-one.
When it's the farmers turn, he shoots and this ball also ends up in the woods.
He screams "Goddammit I missed"
A loud rumble is heard and lightning strikes the *priest*.
Shortly after, a voice is heard from above the clouds saying "Goddammit I missed"
That pig is a hero.
One day two farmers are chatting and farmer 1 notices that farmer 2 has an odd pig.
Farmer 1: "hey why does that pig over there only got three legs?"
Farmer 2: "oh that pig, he's a hero. bout a month ago there was a fire at my house and that pig came in, and pulled my whole family out of the house while we were sleeping."
Farmer 1: "oh, so it lost the leg in the fire?"
Farmer 2: "no, a pig like that you don't eat all at once."
A series of cow jokes
Q: What do you call a sleeping cow?
A: A bull-dozer
Q: How does a farmer count his cows?
A: With a cowculator
Q: Why do cows wear bells?
A: Because their horns don't work
Q: Why don't cows have money?
A: The farmers milk them dry
Q: What's a grumpy cow called?
A farmer has a new handsome assistant
A farmer has a new handsome assistant. One morning they want to go out into the fields to work. At the garden gate the farmer sees that the roads are muddy and realizes that he forgot his rubber boots (Wellingtons for the Brits ;)
He tells his assistant to go get the boots from the house. The assistant returns and finds the farmers very pretty wife, along with the equally pretty daughter sitting in the kitchen. He tells them: "The farmer just said it would be alright if I had sex with you right now!" The women look sceptical, so the assistant opens the window and shouts to the farmer: "Both?"
Farmer: "Of course both of them, what do you think?!"
Why do bad farmers make good DJs?
Because they've got sick beets!
U.S. Navy Seals just freed thousands of ISIS sex slaves ...
All the goats have been moved to an undisclosed location and are awaiting to be reunited with their respective farmers.
An increasing number of farmers are losing their crops due to drought
It's a growing problem.
- farmers market
- old farmer
- farmers daughters
- farmers daughter
- dairy farmer
- chicken farmer
- farmer wife
- fruit farmer
You can explore farmers farming reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean farmers rural dad jokes. There are also farmers puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
1272AD - Arab Muslims invent the first condoms using the lower intestine of goats.
1856AD - English farmers improve on the idea by first removing the intestine from the goat.
If Farmer A sells watermelon, and Farmer B sell apples, what does Farmer C sell? Drugs.
Whats a farmers best dating advice?
What do pirate farmers charge for their corn?
A recent college grad visits a farm one day
A recent college grad visits a farm one day. He approaches the farmer and points to one of the trees.
"You know, with the methods you old farmers use, I'd be surprised if you could get one bushel of apples from that tree" says the college grad.
"I'd be too" the farmer answers. "That's a peach tree."
A girl at my high school got kicked out of the Future Farmers of America (FFA)...
She couldn't keep her calves together.
Why do New Zealand farmers now wear kilts?
Because the sheep have gotten used to the sound of zippers
Apple farmers who are too scared to diversify
should just grow a pear.
2 farmers sitting on a porch just passin the time, shootin the sh!t
when a marijuana plant yells out of no where:
"You big dumb dark cow!"
One of the farmer turns to his friend and says
"look at the pot calling the cattle black"
In a farmers market, Farmer A sells pumpkins, Farmer B sells strawberries, what does Farmer C sell?
... runs off ...
What basic skill do herb farmers always struggle with?
I want to start a competitor website to Farmers Only...
I want to start a competitor website to Farmers Only. I wanted to call it eFarmony, but I realized that there's a way better name.
Attractor. Where technology and love combine. Meet someone on a tractor.
Why don't dairy farmers wear flip flops?
Because they lactose.
How do farmers get the party started?
They turnip the beets.
Why don't farmers go to school?
Because they're outstanding in their fields.
Two old farmers were talking about the 'good-ole-days'..
The old farmer from Texas says, "When I had my ranch, I could get up in the morning, get in my old Chevy truck, and drive all day and still be on my property."
The old farmer from Kentucky said, "Yeah, I had a truck like that once too... you shoulda gota Ford...hell, they'll get ya all the way ta town and back!"
TIL cow tipping is an urban myth.
Apparently, the farmers just pay them a competitive wage.
I'm jealous of agriculture majors who become farmers...
Because they always find a job in their field.
How do Welsh farmers practice safe sex?
Spray a red 'X' on the back of ones that kick.
What do pimps and farmers have in common?
They both need a hoe to stay in business.
Why do farmers make the best rappers?
Because they always have the freshest beets.
What does Stormy Daniels have in common with American farmers?
They both got screwed and paid off by Trump.
Two guys from New York go on a cross-country trip and end up walking into a bar in Kansas.
After a few too many drinks, one of the guys asks the bartender, "Hey, can you tell us how to go cow tipping?" "I'm sorry, gentlemen. Cow tipping is simply an urban myth," the bartender explains. "The farmers actually pay them a competitive wage."
There are 3 farmers, let's call them A, B and C. Which one is the best with medicine?
Three of a kind
Coral turns white when it gets stressed. What could coral be stressed about you ask? Current events.
Eletrical engineers make mistakes when they get stressed. What could an eletrical engineer be stressed about you ask? Current events.
Berry farmers are seeing a drop in productivity due to stress. What could Berry farmers be stressed about you ask? Currant events.
Two potato farmers are in a field
One of them reaches down with both hands and pulls up two of the biggest potatoes they have ever scene. The other farmer says "Wow! Those potatoes look just like my balls." "That big?" Asks the farmer. "No, just that dirty."
Why don't cows have any money?
Because farmers milk them dry.
I made a dating profile on Farmers Only
Because when it comes to women, I know how to a-tractor.
Why do farmers put bells on their cows?
Because their horns don't work.
(From my 6yo who loves her new joke book.)
What did the dairy farmers say when they saw godzilla?
Why couldn't the boy run away with the farmer's daughter?
They were cantaloupe farmers.
Why are farmers aggressive gamblers?
Because they raise the steaks.
Cows are amazing
Studies show that cows produce more milk when the farmers talk to them.
It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.
Down at the farmers market and a man dress as a pirate was selling corn for 1$
It was a buccaneer
What do farmers do in Alabama?
How often do Jamaican farmers milk their cows?
Every udder day
3 farmers were sitting at the local cafe drinking coffee. The subject of the lottery and what they would do if they won came up.
"I think I would take some time off and go on a cruise. I've always wanted to go on a cruise." Said the first farmer.
"First thing I would do is buy a fancy sports car. I've always wanted a fast car." said the second farmer.
The third farmer was sitting quietly, fidgeting a little. "Come on, what would you do with your millions?" Asked the other two farmers.
Reluctantly the third farmer answered "I reckon I would just go on farming like I have been until the money runs out"
OC Dad joke
Farmers say that when all the cows are standing up in the field, it's going to be rainy weather.
When all of the cows are sitting down, it's going to be sunny weather.
What is the weather going to be if half the cows are standing and half are sitting?
There were two farmers who each had a horse in the same field
In order to tell them apart they had a little rubber band tied round one of the horse's tails. every day they would come to the field and feel up and down the horses' tails until they found the rubber band.
One day they lost the rubber band and didn't know what to do. Then one farmer said to the other, "I know what we'll do. I'll take the black horse and you take the white one."
Marie-Antoinette heard of the starving karma farmers of reddit
Let them have cake day
What's a cucumber farmers worst nightmare?
These Farmers got arrested!
Did you hear why the celery farmer got arrested?
Did you hear about the hay farmer that got arrested?
He's out on bail
Did you hear about the root vegetable farmer that got arrested?
He beet up his friend with a potato and didn't carrot all.
Two farmers were betting on a horse race.
They put up some of their grain crops for the gamble. One of the farmers is better at math and so kept a tally. At the end of the day, the other farmer asked the first one if overall they had won or lost anything. The other one responded: "we lost, but just barley."
The closest I have come to being a professional comedian.
At the farmers market they told me ears of corn were a dozen for $10 or a dollar each. I said "ooh so you've got pirate corn?!?!". And he gave me a quizzical look... I said "It's a buccaneer!" And he groaned and gave me a free ear of corn.
I got paid for my comedy, that means I'm a professional right??
A German woman swore an oath to prepare her large field for planting using only the teachings of Lao-tsu, an ox and a pig. Local farmers call this "impossible".
# Headline:"Frau vows to plow with Tao, cow and sow... somehow."
Two old farmers are walking down a road when they hear a motorcycle behind them but are shocked when the driver passes them and the biker is headless. The two men look at each other and shrug. They continue down the road and a bicyclist comes up behind them and he, too, is headless.
The two old men continue to walk down the road, when the one walking along the inside turns to the other one.
You know, Allen, I think maybe you should carry that scythe on your other shoulder
After 19 days of stealing Putin's tanks.
Ukrainian farmers are now the fifth largest military in Europe.
A goat farmer and his wife one day went to feed the goats.
Unfortunately for her the male goat was particularly aggressive that day and mauled her to death. During her funeral the farmers brother came from another town. His brother was amazed how many people showed up to the funeral and said "Look how many people came to pay their respects to your wife" In tears the farmer says " they are not here for the funeral they are here hoping to buy the goat".
Two old farmers meet on a moor …
They had crossed paths numerous times over 20 years and never spoken a word. One day, one of the farmers stops and says to the other My pig's sick. Covered in red blotches and really looking ill. The other one says One of my pigs had the exact same thing. I gave her turpentine. The next day they met again and the first one says I gave my pig turpentine like you said but she died.
The other one, without looking up, says Yup, so did mine.
What type of beasts of burden do weird farmers keep?